Setting myself up for Heartbreak

I knew he wasn't whole when I met him. His broken pieces glistened in the light.
But he told me that he was certain of two things:

1. That I would have him until the day he died or until I didn't want him anymore.
2. That even though he did not love himself, he was very sure that he loved me beyond belief.

It was in those lies above that I believed my love would be enough to heal him. To somehow mend his broken pieces and help him get back to what he once was. To love him so well that he would, hopefully, be happy enough to stay with me, to build a future like he so claimed to want. So I took those broken pieces and offered in return my whole, unbroken, new-in-box heart. For I had never attempted to love anyone the way I knew I was about to love him.

What he showed me had me believe that he was worth taking the chance. The one person I had waited my whole life for seemed to be placed right in front of me. He couldn't have been more perfect in my eyes.

But as they say... all good things must come to an end.

And just as he had openly given me his broken pieces, he took them away just as easily. Only now, he returned my pristine heart in a condition mirroring his. Now my broken pieces glistened too. 

He wasn't perfect, far from it. But my love for him made me blind, as true love does. He left without warning, without closure and without the slightest hint that he wasn't happy with me.

To make it all worse, he stated that he wasn't sure if he ever loved me, he wasn't sure that he could provide closure because seeing me would be too hard, and he moved on faster than anyone could blink.

In his ending actions I finally realized that he was not the one. He was not worth the heartbreak, the nights of pain, of wondering why I wasn't good enough. It was him that was not good enough for me. 

In all of this... I hope he finds some peace and love in himself. So he can stop torturing and breaking hearts in his wake.

Ugh! Rant 1

    Upon finishing many series' on Netflix I found myself looping back around to some of the shows I've always been drawn to in my childhood. One of them being Dawson's Creek. While watching I realized how unbelievably alike Joey and I's luck in significant other's seemed to be. Though, I suppose, mine is far less dramatic. But the two types are there without a doubt:

    The two types of guys I have discovered in my lifetime.

    The Pacey:

        "I mean, when you like somebody proximity is a good thing, regardless of how they feel about you. Or don't, as the case may be."

    

    He's the guy who's going to fight for your friendship and trust before he even tries to fight for your heart. He has his flaws. But in that noble, do-good way about him he still manages to make you not care in the least. He knows you can do better than him. But he also knows he can't do any better than you. And he understands how important all the little things are to you.

    The Dawson:

        "How can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them all you can think of is how much more you want?"

    Dawson's selfish. He always makes sure that he has what he wants before everyone else. He's also very passionate about the things he holds close to him. And that's also what draws you in and makes you love him. He has this image of perfection, and he's going to try his damnedest to make sure that you fit his ideal role. Which, essentially, is your downfall. I mean, who can be that perfect all the time?

    Quite honestly I'd take the first any day. 

    The second is almost too heartbreaking to witness. 

    When I hear words like that it's saying that our friendship means nothing without some form of reciprocated feelings. It is a feeling of betrayal that is left in the wake. I go into this expecting friendship. I grow accustom to certain standards of being around him. Then when he deems the time fit, he makes his move, expecting me to feel the same as he. In most cases, these feelings have never been reciprocated. In all cases I'm left friendless by someone who doesn't want to wait for me to feel the same. And I suppose I'm mostly to blame for that. I take a while to trust people. But it doesn't mean that I never will feel those same feelings.

    It's true that you don't know what you have until it's gone. 

 

    I think, essentially, that's why Pacey won the girl. He stuck by Joey and made her feel something for him with these grand gestures. He turned her infatuation with Dawson into nothing more than a lapse in judgment. He turned her hatred for him into friendship, and then their friendship to the most deepest form love.

   The only Pacey I've ever encountered turned into Dawson mid relationship.

   Pacey, and other upstanding fictional characters, are probably the reason I'm holding out for the hero.

My Darkest Soul

   I can't recall the exact day that it happened.

   The day I completely lost myself. 

   I just remember waking and feeling like someone or something else had inhabited my body, my mind. I knew I was still mostly me on the outside. That much was evident. But the person staring at me in the mirror, the blank eyes, that wasn't someone I recognized. If the eyes were windows to the soul, my blinds were drawn tight.

   I no longer dealt with the darkness. 

   I was the darkness. 

   I had become the one thing that I feared the most. For him, I had made the ultimate sacrifice. I was saying evil things, doing evil things, and scaring everyone that I held closest to me.

   I had feared that my darkness would spread like a vicious contagion. But no ones evils ever came close. None ever dealt with the same evils I had wandering in the darkest parts of my soul. 

That One Weird Dream #1

   When I woke that morning my head was pounding beyond belief. I swung my feet over the edge of the bed and hissed as they met the freezing cold of hardwood flood.
   Odd, I was quite certain every bedroom in my house was carpeted.
   I shook it off and walked to the bathroom to assess the mess that I've grown quite accustom to seeing this time of day.
   The person looking back at me seemed so unfamiliar, foreign almost, as I looked in shock.
   My once long hair was chopped to my shoulder. Where my healthy midsection used to be was a very noticeable baby bump.
   One would describe this moment as "freaking out". But I think even that would be putting it lightly. As I began screaming and yelling in fright, someone rushed up the stairs and quickly threw open the door. I looked at him in shock, my heart pounding in shock.

And then I woke.

For as long as I can remember, the dreams I could remember always stayed so vividly with me, playing like mini-movies I had stored in my mind. I would wake and grab my nearby journal for such occasions. It happens less and less these days. But the dreams I do remember happen to be some of the oddest ones I've ever had. I've decided to start writing my weird dreams on here. This way you can join me on these obviously weird adventures my mind plays for me.

Until the next Weird Dream.
Ashley

Being Set Up with an Arranged Marriage:

     Oh, how mundane tasks get in the way of life. I've had the past 4 days off from work... and I find myself missing it quite a bit. Odd, I know. But still... I'm sure I'll be back to whining "Do I really have to go in today?!?" tomorrow morning.

     On a different note, I went to FCBD (Free Comic Book Day) and it was a complete success! You know... I had to buy comic books anyways. I've grown quite accustomed to purchasing the new TV series Flash comics because, well, Grant Gustin is the most adorable dork I have ever seen. And he's really put Barry Allen into a new perspective for me. I used to HATE The Flash character. Thanks to the new TV show I adore it to pieces. And then some, really. Anyhow, found some new comic book joints to purchase at. My local comic book store is sadly lax in the ways of old collectables (my specialty). Now I have other options available... that I didn't even knew existed.

     Changing topic... again. On to the main topic.

     An arranged marriage. How horrible could that possibly be? Well, look no further. I'll tell you.
     It's one thing to find love, fall in it, and watch it blossom.
     It's another thing to have two families come to a mutual agreement about the benefits of their offspring coming together for the good of their people.
     Royalty is a hard thing to deal with. And believe me... I would know.
     No thoughts can ever be expressed: someone is bound to take something said and twist it the wrong way. No actions go unnoticed: and the slightest of bad one's last for all of eternity. No dreams get to be lived out: being that novelist or photographer are a no-go. And Love: apparently love is a fictitious thing only read about between the pages of novels.
     So when they forced me to get married the idea of it all was horrid beyond belief. When I realized who they wanted me to marry everything went farther South than imaginable.
     Put he and I together in a room for a few short minutes and it'd be just as lethal as pitting two starving lions together in one small cage:
     Someone wasn't making it out alive.
     But of course... everyone tells you that you'll learn to love your arranged significant other.
     Only I'm sure none have ever felt the way I do about him!

Write a Facebook status update for year 2017:

     The way we see things, with doubt and fear, are no longer thought like that. The world used to be a scary and dangerous place. Those thoughts are like little baby kittens now. No one believed me when I told them to be blessed with what you had because one day, sooner than we thought, it would all slip away.
     The talk of zombies lingered in the air for a long while. The wide variety of TV shows and movies did good to scare everyone senseless. But we never saw what came. No one could imagine anything worse than being attacked by flesh-hungry ex-humans. Nothing could prepare anyone for this.
   
     The day the world seemed to change will never be forgotten. It's etched into my brain, scarred with an ever-lasting impression.
     It was the day my decently perfect life rammed hard, face first, into the ground.
     I suppose the world was on a form of hiatus before my own personal world ended. But I was too stubborn, too hopeful, that my life was beyond safe.
     With the world's end approaching, I'm unsure when I'll be able to post next, or if that will even be an option with the way things are quickly spiraling out of control. But here's hoping.

Until next time... hopefully,
Ashley

Marvel's Daredevil

     Okay, I know that Mark Steven Johnson's version of Daredevil wasn't really well received. But I, personally, liked it. It could have been that I spent a year or so of my childhood messing around with sais and loved the character part of Elektra and Jennifer Garner was always one of my more favorite actresses. I was a little skeptical when I heard about the rebooted TV series.

BUT HOLY COW!

     The show was beyond amazing! 

     The cast is great! 

     Matt Murdock/ Daredevil was played by Charlie Cox, who I'd only seen in a few movies previous to this one. He did an amazing job at making you care for the character. I was excited to see the iconic Daredevil suit at the end of the last episode. But the black outfit made Cox's build look very impressive. It created great silhouette's when the lighting hit just right.
     Franklin "Foggy" Nelson was played by the ever missed Elden Henson. When I was younger I had the world's largest crush on Elden. Well, more so on his character Fulton Reed from The Mighty Ducks. But I still find him highly adorable.
     Not to mention that they cast Deborah Ann Woll, from True Blood, as Karen Page; Rosario Dawson as Claire Temple; and Vincent D'Onofrio as Wilson Fisk.
     What I loved most about the show were the flashbacks. More times than not, when you come into the superhero fandom, everyone is well aware of the background of the characters. Or at least that's how the director's seem to think.
     The flashbacks about Kingpin are quite fascinating. They make you understand why he felt so strongly about changing Hell's Kitchen. His childhood was so unbelievably tormented that it almost makes you care and hope for his success.
     But alas, that obviously doesn't happen.
     If you haven't checked out the show, do so on Netflix. It's amazing and you won't regret it in the least.

Until tomorrow,
Ashley